A Birth and a Death; A Beginning and an End

The last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. It started with me going back to work. Leaving Cameron for the first time was one of the most difficult thing I have had to do. Luckily Rod went with me the first day because I was sobbing when I walked out. I called his daycare twice that day to check on him. Mommy had a hard day, but Cameron did fabulous. As the days went on it got a little easier. I cried a little on Wednesday and only called once. When I picked him up on Wednesday my daycare provider's son was holding Cameron and she said I hope you don't mind, but he is going to be spoiled here because everyone loves to hold him. That's when I decided he was still going to be loved even though his mommy wasn't with him. Although I cried Thursday in the car I knew he would be ok so I didn't call. On Friday, I did ok dropping him off. I knew he was doing well there so it made it much easier for me. When I got to work I received the news that my best friend's mom had passed away. I lost it! I wanted to leave work, run home, and grab my son in my arms and never let go. The weekend was a blur. We spent time with with our family and got some stuff done around the house. I enjoy having lazy weekends around the house but in our typical fashion we are lucky if we have one day. That weekend we were in constant contact with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law because our nephew was due any time. My sister-in-law had been put on bed rest earlier in the week. On Monday we got the call saying she was going to be induced. Tuesday evening my perfect nephew was born. A death on Friday and a birth on Tuesday....the circle of life. On Friday we attended the memorial service and we took Cameron with us. Cameron started to fuss at the end of the service and I had to walk out. I was so embarrassed and I felt so bad he interrupted the service for everyone. Luckily I was the only one that thought it was bad. Most people couldn't believe how good he was. Someone even said it was nice to see a baby to remind us of life's continuance. Life is precious and no amount of time you have to prepare will ever prepare you for the loss of someone you love. Cherish the time you spend with the ones you love because you don't know how many tomorrows you have. Remember to tell those special people in your lives that you love them even if it sounds silly because it may be the last time you talk to them. Life is too short to be unhappy so find something to be happy about! I hope everyone in my life knows that I love them and that they mean the world to me.

I want to make sure my son knows that I love him more than anything. I think that is why I have such a hard time with being so far away from him during the day.  My constant struggle is: am I doing the right thing? did I make the right decision? will my son know how much I love him and want to be with him if I am working full time? I think I would love to be a stay at home mom, but our finances would be stretched tight. We wouldn't be able to contribute to retirement for me or for a college fund for Cameron. I also don't know how or when I would re-enter the workforce Yes, I have the opportunity to work part time with the job I have now, but my job duties would change. I love what I do and I'm not sure I would love it as much if I was doing something different. The other dilemma is working part time would not give me sick leave, vacation leave, retirement, etc. When I didn't have a child if I took vacation I could make up my hours, with a baby that wouldn't be the case. He would have a set schedule with daycare and I would have a set schedule with work, no deviations. The positive being I could feel like I am raising my son while still bringing in some money. I don't know what I want to do and I don't know how to make this huge decision. What if I regret my decision? What if I change my mind? These are all the things that run through my mind constantly.